Are you one of those folks who wander around wondering where you got off course? Or one who wonders if you were ever on course?
Welcome to the club. Membership is optional.
I once confessed to my sister, I couldn’t remember what I wanted to do with my life. I couldn’t even remember if I had planned my life at all.
By the time of my high school graduation, I wanted to be a fashion model. Prior to model, it was a lawyer. My first career choice was to be a pediatrician. What child doesn’t want to be a pediatrician – especially when she trusts the person who is probing her will make her feel better when she’s sick?
Still, I made no commitment to secure a career in any of those fields as none were my driving passion.
Isn’t that today’s clarion call: follow your passion?
I had none. At least none I could remember.
Meanwhile, in absence of passion, I had a few things to keep me company; my pen, paper and a penchant for relating current events. Sharing information fascinated me and it became my vocation. My spiritual calling chose me. I didn’t have to work at it. It developed on its own within me.
Funny, how we rarely cherish what is freely given.
But I digress.
My sis offered, what I thought at the time, very wise advice. She simply said, “Pick a new plan; reinvent yourself.” For a while, it was perfect. Not remembering one’s life goals was akin to having a clean slate.
Every day, I would plot and plan. Every night; I’d have nightmares. It was as if my attempt to create a new life was thwarted by “mean girls” who didn’t want me to live it.
Those reoccurring nightmares reminded me, I did commit to one goal when I was young. I wanted to be safe. Notorious gangs, such as the Jolly Stompers, infiltrated my neighborhood high school. I was in 8th grade and in less than one year I would be in attendance. I was terrified. I had one shot to change my fate. Fear helped me test high enough to gain admission into one of New York City’s specialized high schools.
Mind you, I was a smart kid, but not smart enough to be in the top 10% smartest school kids in NYC. Fear will motivate you to do extraordinary things. I scared myself right into the genius group.
Safety was my driving force until I exchanged it for acceptance. When my mother and father were together, I’d watched them survive arguments, threats of violence, fisticuffs, shooting attempts both as a team and combatants. One day, the fight left them. They gave up.
When he moved into his new apartment, I wanted to live there too. He said, “No, its best you stay with your mother.” I did. He left me without the ability to reconcile life, acceptance, love and death. Reckless is what remained.
The proper term is death wish:
“The conscious or unconscious desire for the death of oneself or of another” – Merriam Webster
A few years after their separation, he left this world for good. I crawled into that grave with him. Spiritually, I was lost without the knowledge of how to live or love. From that point, I’d seek safety, death, I’d then return to the abyss.
Rolling down a tree-lined street, one night, my wish manifested at the intersection of “steel-reinforced work van broadsides fiberglass mustang”. The Mustang flipped so easily you’d thought a giant tantrum-throwing toddler dropped kicked it.
On the flip side, I died and experienced a beautiful peace – a continuum. After basking in the warmth of the Aether, I wanted to return to earth. “I have something to do,” I said. In the Aether there are no mysteries; all is known. There’s no confusion and although it’s dense there’s no distortion. There’s ONE mind. Acceptance is THE WAY.
In contrast, on Earth, everything is scattered; it’s easy to become confused and lose your way. Still I wanted to return because I felt there was something left undone.
When I returned after that fatal car crash, I couldn’t remember what I was to do. The defining line of my life was marked by BC and AC (Before Crash and After Crash).
Before the car crash, I bought and collected everything I wanted. My purchases included people, friends and boyfriends.
After the car crash, my face was fractured and scarred. My car was a mangled heap and me; I was broken, unattractive and vulnerable. There was also Love.
I fell in love and found the light of my life. He was the same boyfriend I had before the crash but after the crash I could see his light. I thought he was the light bearer because I could only see the light when we were together. His light was intoxicating and I became addicted to it. He became my obsession until; I could no longer see him — only the light.
It became clear; the goal of love is to allow us to see the light in everyone, everything and everywhere including ourselves. Shiny things are no longer a distraction. The Light becomes the guide.
Before I could see the light, however, I had to first be broken then opened to receive love.
Although he and I parted long ago, I can still see the light. I can see even the tiniest flicker of light in the darkest heart.
Whereas fear may be the great motivator causing us to perform; it is the light of Love that brings clarity and the ability to create our hearts’ desire.
After a rocky start to my journey and a painful ending; I got a second chance. When I returned, I experienced unconditional love in a dimension where Love is a choice.
On Earth, Love is the exception, not the rule.
We have two choices. They’re not Red pill, Blue pill; the choices are LOVE and NOT LOVE.
Through all the twists and turns, windy roads and paths that we take in life; when we come to the fork in the road, the direction is LOVE or not.
One path continuously loops; while the other path, LOVE, reveals another dimension where time turns in on itself.
Therefore, if you’re one of those wanderers, looking for purpose and passion it’s not in what you do but rather in what you choose.
“On earth as it is in heaven”
“Reinvent yourself,” my sister said. For my fellow wanderers, I’d add; when you get to that fork “Choose wisely. Choose Love.”